using panic attacks for meditation

Watch this video on YouTube.

Unedited transcript

First I like to share my own experience. When I was young, I think around seven, eight years old, I had panic, panic attacks. Until I was thirteen years old. Even so I have loving family, my father was very great meditation teacher. His name is Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche. But panic follow me as like shadow. Then I was interested about meditation and I learned meditation from my father when I was young. When I meditate, it is okay with the panic, no problem. But I am lazy boy. I don’t want to meditate all the time. And also I am very sensitive person you know, very sensitive person. Something slightly wrong, I am upset, uhhh. For few days. Then when I was thirteen years old I moved to India. Actually I moved before that. Then when I was thirteen years old, in India, called Sherab Ling, it is kind of like northern part of India, next to Himalayan mountains. Dharamsala where Dalai Lama’s residence place. Near Dharmsala, two hours by car. But it is bumpy road, very good for exercise. You don’t have to pay machine to bump your body. Then we are going to start traditional three year retreat. According to Palpung style, what we call Palpung style. One of my teachers, His Eminence Tai Situ Rinpoche, he is the abbot of monastery. Then I thought, oh that is very nice, I like to go to retreat. Then I asked my father, I approached my father to ask, to have permission from His Eminence Tai Situ Rinpoche. And His Eminence Tai Situ Rinpoche agreed. I been to three year retreat. The first year of three year retreat, my panic gets worse. I had almost nervous break down. But I like to call nervous break through. Why? Because at that time I was so unhappy, then I really decided to apply meditation technique what I been taught. Then I sat in my room because we have one kind of like – [translator] retreat is one building with many rooms, all of them facing a central courtyard and with only one door out which is kept logged. Kind of like big hotel, but not star. You don’t have stars. But very nice. We have meditation box, stay there. First six month quite difficult, after this very very comfortable. But anyway, then we have prayer, group prayers. Everybody gathering in the main hall. We have one main hall. And then during group prayers, we use sometime different music instrument. Like horns, not really horns. Big one. And drum. And this noise drives me crazy. Then sometimes I have to go out in the middle of prayer. Then at that time I really decide to apply my meditation technique what I been taught and I sat in my room for three days and using panic as support for meditation. I didn’t say: Hey panic get out. Or panic, yes Sir. It is true, everything is miserable. I didn’t say that. If you tell to panic: Get out, I don’t like you, then panic becomes your enemy and then you cannot get rid of panic. But if you say, yes Sir Panic, whatever you said is true, then panic becomes your boss. That is why panic become your enemy also no good. Panic become your boss also no good. That best method is, you have to make friendship with panic. Use panic as support for your meditation. That is why I just face to my panic, look at the panic, and use as support for mindfulness, awareness. Then after three days later, panic was gone.